WARNING: I just read over this post and it is absolutely not what I intended on writing. It is much more of a rant than anything else, but seeing as how only like 5 people read this I figure I'll leave it how it is.
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It is 7am and I am laying in bed feeling like a big change needs to happen in my life. Again.
It has been two and a half months since I ended my last relationship. An extremely hard decision to do, but I knew it needed to be done. As per usual in any relationship with this broad, it was absolutely amazing...but I knew he wasn't the one. And can I just say how much that sucks?! We spent everyday for almost a year laughing, exploring, adventure seeking, and cuddling. That right there is a perfect recipe for happiness in my book! But as happy and amazing as that was, I knew there was a different plan for me. I miss my best friend everyday still, but I know that I made the right decision.
I look back now at all of my relationships and can only wonder who I am going to end up with...or when it's going to happen. I have had nothing but the very best of relationships with the very best of people, but the Lord has someone or something else for me in mind. Years ago I planned on marrying the man of my dreams, but after months and months of confirmation that he wasn't the one for me, I had to let him go. To this day that was the hardest decision I have ever made in my entire life. That was five years ago and even right now I am tearing up just thinking about how hard that was and how much that hurt. I have experienced tragedies and death of loved ones, but this was a completely different kind of hurt. I have to thank my Heavenly Father and my family for getting me through that time. My sister and bro in law for letting me sleep at their house for the first month so I wasn't alone, and my mother for letting me call her every single second that I was by myself to cry together. Sometimes I compare this to trials in my life today and think...if I was able to overcome this, then I can get through anything. On the contrary I think, if I ended the thing that made me the absolute happiest in life to gain something even better , then why four years later have I not gotten that? I know that I have lived and loved and gained so much experience and knowledge within the last few years, but I feel more lost now than ever before. I know that the Lord has a plan, but sometimes it is so hard to stick with that plan.
I know where I am right now in life is where I am supposed to be. It certainly isn't where I want to be, but it is where I should be. Being 25 and single in Provo is the last thing I ever wanted, but obviously I am to gain something from this. And I don't want to make it seem that all my problems would go away once I'm married, but I am someone who loves love and seeks it more than anything else in this world. I truly believe that man and woman are not created whole until they are united with the one they love. I am not holding out on happiness until I get my golden ticket, but that doesn't mean I don't want it very badly. Life is an amazing gift we have been given and I am thankful every single day for the air that fills my lungs. Some days are great, others are bad, but the journey is wonderful. I need to focus all of my attention every single day to do what the Lord would have me do so that I can be where he wants me to be, because essentially that is where I want to be. And for the first time in months, I am hopeful.
You are an inspiration to me. That tremendous faith of yours will be so beneficial all of your life. Marriage is AWESOME, but it's hard, too. It's only worth it if he's the "right" one and you've felt that confirmed by the Spirit. You're doing everything right. Maybe move to Chicago? 25 and single here is nothing!
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