Fickle.

I cannot wait until the day when I look back at my life during this very moment and say "ah, so that's what that was for".

 I moved out here to Utah on a whim almost five years ago now and cannot help but feel even more lost than I did those few years back. 

During my time out here I have lived, I have loved, and I have learned. I cherish the memories made, the friends that have come and gone, and the essential life lessons that came about. I do not claim to have wasted my time out here. I am certain this is the exact place where I was supposed to be during the last five years. I do not know why but I have always felt like this is the place I need to be. Recently, however, I have not been feeling that certainty. 

I honestly feel like the two feet that direct me forward everyday are now floating above me as I lye on my back. I can indubitably say that I hate this feeling. I loathe every bit of confusion and lost feeling this brings me. I am well aware that this is part of life, but this time around it brings me more bewilderment than ever before. 

I go about my days in a manor which I believe is right. I am patient (as best to my ability as that entails) and I know that as long as I am doing what is right my Heavenly Father will place me where I need to be. I do not just believe that, I know that, but I still put too much pressure on myself. I wonder all the time if the decisions I am making are the absolute best choices for me. It is not a lack of faith I have for my Heavenly Father, but for myself. Of course I make decisions that I see obvious to benefit me, but it is the ones I cannot foresee that scare the tar out of me. 

For quite some time now I haven't been the happy Shelby that I normally am, and this makes me feel so horrible! I am so unbelievably blessed and truly have the whole world at my hands, so why this dejection? This certainly isn't the first time I have been in a stage of ambiguity, so why is this specific time bringing me down so forcefully? I really need to change something in my life, I just don't know quite what it is yet. In the meantime I will still go about my days living my life to the best of my ability. I have no doubt that I will be placed where I should be, but that does not mean I don't get anxiety over it.

What I do know is this: Life is good. We can be having the worst day, month, year, even decade! But the things we go through in life are tailor-made for us. And we go through them so that we can appreciate things so much more and come to understand what life is really about. Whatever reason(s) I am going through this fickle stage are, I know that it means something good will come of it. There will be a result from this experience, and it will be for my benefit.

The best advice I received from my dad when I was seriously down was this- "the best thing you can do is laugh. Laugh really hard at something".

Laughing is the best medicine anyone can receive. Regardless of whether or not the blues you are having is for a quick moment or long term, laughing truly does help. It may just be a quick fix, but those quick fixes add up to a long time of laughter and happiness. So go on, and find something to make you laugh really hard.